I'm resurrecting these poems from my past. I remember them because they were from the heart, so much so that I never read them publicly.

******

Turns

clever girl in a small town
bright mind and gentle hear
tjust wanting to live in love
feeling unlovable
feeling alone
feeling afraid
that's just how it was
that's just how it is
how the wheel turns

clever daughter in a small home
all alone in a big room
in the big house
that wasn't always a home
love was there
but wasn't seen
wasn't felt
somehow

that's just how it was
that's just how it is
how the wheel turns

clever mother with a gentle heart
trying her best to be a good mom
and be happy
and helpful
and good
trying to love herself
to teach her
clever daughter
that's she's worth it

that's just how it was
that's just how it is
how love turns

******

Eagle

is one of my son's
middle names
in honour of the
many beautiful
and close
eagle sightings
we experienced
when I was pregnant
with him

at the cabin
that summer
for the first and only time since
I saw a bald eagle
on a rock in the lake
fishing at dusk
as I was pondering
the name
of our child to be

I said to him:
'dear eagle,
if you would like to
be in my son's name,
please leave me a feather'

the eagle flew away
and we rowed
out to the rock
where we found floating
a small white feather

many years later
I found myself
fallen into dark places
within
and I found myself
wanting to die
to do what I had sworn
I would never do to my children
I'd somehow convinced myself
that they'd be better off
so far had I fallen

I went into the woods
on a cliff
overlooking the ocean
and spent a wet cold
night
huddled over a sheltered fire
I'd made with boards
and nature embraced me
with its lifeforce
in a melodious hug
that filled me
that healed me

a month later
on a warm bright day
I returned with my husband
and children
to the lookoff
to share with them
the grace and beauty
of this place
where mommy spent
a cold wet night
curled up beneath a young spruce
on a high boulder
encircled by trees

and as we stepped out
to the spectacular lookoff
there lay a big beautiful
eagle feather
that now hangs from my staff


******

pandora's box

my sexualityis a pandora's box

unquenchable curiousity
thirst for new experience
primal desires
being highly reactive
responsive
reflective
i become what is desired

mistrust
bred from pain
in reflecting
nightmares

mistrust
combined
in a vaccuum
heals into
love beyond trust
and trust in love

mistrust
in self
until
it ascends into
self-love
and the box
is safely locked


******

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Skadhi,

a beautiful cat
magnificent coat
of thick white fur
with large black spots
(I use to call her
our cow cat)
one ear black
one ear white
one eye green
one eye blue
both set in golden brightness...

a loving being
bright
aware
ever-curious...

named after a Norse Giant Goddess
one who,
like our dear familiar,
is strong
loving
proud
independent
loyal
courageous,
admired by the Gods...

our sensitive Skadhi cat
always present
during mystical moments...

our fierce and loyal
guardian cat
who would hiss
and glare
fearlessly
at "intruders"
coming to feed her
when we were away...

today is her final day
in this physical form
in which
we have have been so honoured
to know her
to hold her
to stroke her soft fur...

sweet Skadhi,
you have stood strong and brave
against the rising pain
within,
but you need struggle
no more...

rest now
in soft peace,
and know the love
of your family
who cherishes you
and will miss you
and will always remember you
proud
beautiful
Goddess
I love you so